Grief and loss are by far some of the most devastating experiences that we face. When that loss is the death of a child, it is especially earth shattering. It is a natural response when we know someone is upset to want to fix things for them. However, the reality is that you can’t ‘fix’ a person’s grief. There is nothing you can say that will make a bereaved person feel better about their loss; but there are things you can do to provide comfort and support for them during this difficult time.

Do

  • be a good listener

  • let them know that they are not alone

  • accept and be sensitive to all moods

  • allow them to talk about their child

  • use the name of the child who died

  • cry if you need to

  • understand that there is no timeline for grief

  • use touch sensitively

Don’t say

  • “it could have been worse”

  • “it’s really a blessing in disguise”

  • “be brave for your family”

  • “don’t cry”

  • “this isn’t the end of the world”

  • “you’re doing so well”

  • “you’ll get over it”

  • “your loved one wouldn’t want you to be sad”

  • “you’ll be ok”

  • “things will be back to normal soon”

  • “the first day/week/month/year is always the hardest”

  • “it was god’s will”

  • “aren’t you over it yet?”

  • “be happy that you even had them in your life”

  • “you will have other children”

  • “it was meant to be”

  • “time will heal everything”

  • “good thing you are so young so that you can try again”

  • “god only gives us what we can handle”

Don’t

  • compare your loss with others

  • wait for them to contact you for help

  • tell them what they should do

  • be afraid to talk about the child who died

  • think that the age of the deceased determines the importance of the impact

  • change the subject when they want to talk about their child

  • offer unsolicited advice

  • minimize the death

  • complement them on their strength and bravery

  • ask about how they’re doing if you aren’t willing to listen

  • assume when they laugh that they are “over it”

  • avoid those who are grieving because you are uncomfortable

  • worry about reaching out

Do say

  • “I am so sorry”

  • “my thoughts are with you and your family”

  • “I can’t imagine how you are feeling”

  • “you’re not alone; I am here for you”

  • “how are you doing today?”

  • “is it okay if I keep checking in with you?”