Talking with Children about Loss
The death of a child creates profound ripple effects throughout a family, and it is crucial to recognize and address the grief experienced by surviving children. Children often engage in magical thinking—the belief that their thoughts or actions can influence real-world events—and may mistakenly feel responsible for the death.
Children learn about death through the language used by adults around them. Phrases such as “went to sleep and didn’t wake up” or “was taken to heaven” can unintentionally cause fear that the same might happen to them. Similarly, describing someone as “lost” may give children the impression that the person could return at any time. To communicate clearly and accurately, it is important to avoid euphemisms when talking with children about death. Using straightforward terms like “dead” and “died” helps children better understand the reality of loss. When children ask what “died” means, caregivers should use simple, age-appropriate explanations without overwhelming them with unnecessary detail. For example, saying someone’s “body stopped working and they can’t come alive again” can help convey the concept of death in a way children can grasp.
Including children in the grieving process is vital. Avoiding conversations about the loss may lead children to believe that grief is a “forbidden” or unsafe topic. Sharing one’s own feelings of grief and inviting children to express theirs creates a safe environment for open communication.
It is important to remember that while there are general developmental stages related to grief, each child’s understanding and coping will be unique.
Children & Grief
Stages of Development
From ages 2-6, children are least likely to understand death and may feel that it’s temporary or reversible. They may engage in magical thinking, and may fear that they or their caregivers might die. You might want to reassure them that this won’t happen to them, or to you. Note that children within this age range may ask questions over and over again; they learn best through repetition.
From ages 6-9, children usually understand the permanence of death, and may be more frightened by it. They may wish to avoid spaces or topics that they associate with a dead person. While children of this age may be better able to sympathize with their grieving caregivers, they may misjudge what you think or need, and may feel that talking about their own feelings could make their caregivers feel sad.
From ages 10-12, children become better able to reflect on how death has impacted them and their families, and may be critical of the way that others around them grieve
Teenagers are likely capable of an adult understanding of death, and may have strong feelings about the unfairness of death. During their teenage years, they may grow apart from caregivers. They may also not have peers that have experienced death, and related social connections become increasingly important. When connecting with teenagers, listening rather than offering solutions is important.
Regardless of age…
Routines can provide a sense of security. It is not abnormal for your child to want to return to school, extracurriculars, or see their friends soon after a death. This does not mean that they do not care about the death.
Playing and expressive arts (drawing, writing, etc.) are important ways that children can work out their strong feelings. Imaginary play can provide helpful insight into what may be going on internally for a child.
Your child may not wish to speak aloud much about their experience with a death. Stay attuned to changes in behavior (disobedience, disagreeableness, etc.), and remember to keep the usual limits that you set for behavior.
Recognize your own feelings. Think about your own experiences with loss, separation and death. They may well have an impact on your comfort in helping children and adolescents with their grief.
Share the fact of the death. Provide age-appropriate information about what happened and what rituals will occur. Explain how the person’s body is no longer working— not breathing, eating, going to the bathroom etc.
Be aware of issues that make a specific child vulnerable. These include things such as many recent losses, knowing someone with the same illness, being the best friend or worst enemy of the person who died or having had some actual responsibility for the death. Consider a referral to a mental health center or professional for preventative services.
Address the children’s fears and fantasies. Be particularly aware of those that grow out of magical thinking and reflect an inappropriate sense of responsibility for the death.
Discuss issues specific to the situation. Every death is unique and raises specific issues. Children may want to talk about an illness, violence or suicide, alcohol and drug use or troubled adults who hurt children. They may want to know about wakes and funerals, cremation and burial or ethnic and cultural diversity in death rituals.
Support children and adolescents as they grieve. Provide an environment where grieving is accepted. Talk specifically about the appropriateness of sadness and anger. Share your own grief with your children, being sure they know they have not caused tears or anger.
Remember the person who died and help children and adolescents participate in that commemoration. Young people can often make suggestions about the content of a funeral or memorial service, flowers, or what to do with particular belongings of the person who died. Commemorative activities may go on over a period of time.
Use teachable moments to help children and adolescents learn about death and dying. Daily activities and dramatic life events provide many opportunities to talk about death, dying, grief and loss. For example, a dead bird on the side of the road can open discussion about what death is and feelings when something or someone dies. New programs sometimes feature tragic stories on death. Children may raise questions for which we have no answers. It is perfectly acceptable to say that their questions are good ones and we wish we knew the answer, too.